Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Most fashion shows these days…

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*