Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

incredible google review i just found

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.