My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
New menu item
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
🤣🤣🤣
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.