My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”