My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
No regrets in 2018
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
My brain is a bad influence on me
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed