My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Friday
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them