My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
How can I say no to this ?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.