Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Hmm, not sure about this change

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say