Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

like swimming in quick dry cement

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play