Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

accurate

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions