my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
You Might Also Like
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.