Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

be careful

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television