Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

WTF

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

be careful

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management