Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Don’t frighten the programmers!

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

welp

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no