my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
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I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
bout dat hot dog summer
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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Yes, but it was never about money
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower