Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.