My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
emergency phone
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane