Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

Knock Knock

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

“What?”
– Jude

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug