My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.