My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
getting seasonal up in here
