my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
here we go again
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
