my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
bat life
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
