Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*