My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
hmmm
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
*mops up wine with cat*
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old