technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world
Very little scares me. So does very big.