@PoodleSnarf

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

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@KeetPotato

technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs

@LackOfShame

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

@foodfacenow

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

@iamspacegirl

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

@ch000ch

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

@wolfpupy

if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world