My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him