My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

You Might Also Like


technology has now advanced so far i can no longer tell the difference between people using hands-free earphones and people on drugs


Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.



Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean


[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm


Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.


[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes


if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world