Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.