My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
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Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
smartest karate player in the world