Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Canadian owl: Eh?

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

ㅤㅤ

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

I hate when that happens.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.