My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
If only.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.