@iGreenMonk

My Wife: Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell

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@AnOrangeSNES

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

@Molly_Kats

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

@Aspersioncast

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

@Thynebear

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

@Sickayduh

Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.

@a_olivia4212

A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it

@WilliamAder

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

@wickedblondeone

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings