My Wife: Why are you home so early?

Me: My boss told me to go to hell

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[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*


Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car


Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”


This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.


My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.


[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.


Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.


A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it


Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.


Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings