94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
You Might Also Like
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.