My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.