My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
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Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Childbirth is so beautiful
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Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
get you a girl who
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Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight