My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Okay, I’m still confused…
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”