My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
i guess his teacher was really pissed
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
HERE’S MARKY
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.