My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
This could be us but you eatin’
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth