My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
❤️🦆
