My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
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if a cop pulls u over play dead
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.