“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
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My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
choose your fighter
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
why isn’t he texting back
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.