Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

i now pronounce you bounced.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform