Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.