Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

My patience has stretch marks.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all