My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Only a mother’s love …
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.