My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes