Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.