My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Talk about a bad egg
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.