Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.