Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

Europe. Made in Germany.