My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*