My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
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If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I have so many questions.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?