My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?