My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
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[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname