My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
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Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?