My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
You Might Also Like
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise