My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.