My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Cats (2019)
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Breaking news:
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Mmmm canned fish.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.