My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!