My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Is your wife single?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
