My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
also my go-to takeaway order
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
This is why I hate group projects
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.