My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
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Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now