My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
You Might Also Like
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.