My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Tremendous stuff
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.