My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
just having fun
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF