Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!