Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Did I do this right

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Just me?

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

I want to meet the individual who made this

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.