my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
what do you want
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.