Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

O Wise One….

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner