Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain