My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
for all #parents out there
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.