My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”![]()
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”