My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
August 8
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8