My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Always a housemaid, never a house.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here