My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
plant them where lol
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Worth remembering.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
New Tinder profile.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
peak technology
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.