My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.