My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.