Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.