My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.