Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

Herpes is trending, good job people

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

😭😭

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!