My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
men, we mow at sunrise.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
secret recipe
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge