Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.