@squirrel74wkgn

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

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@jannable9

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@MomOfTeen

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@1followernodad

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

@joeljeffrey

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

@Darlainky

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@Real_Dick_Head

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.