My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Monica just destroyed the internet
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.