My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

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People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??


cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make


Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .


God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.


I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”


When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.


Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.


i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton


Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.