My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
it’s the silliest best thing
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.